Item 3: I (pizza) PIZZA"

Get 'em while they're hot! Or before cafepress pulls it from it's site.

I am still taking additional t-shirt suggestions and waiting for a high res image of Bob's beard.

That's all for now. Thank you.

I was completely baffled by this. "I (heart) NY" paraphernalia is ubiquitous. As are spoofs of it, like "I (shamrock) NY", I (magen david) SHIKSAS", "I DYSLEXIA (heart)", and if you search on cafepress.com's own website, you will come up with many other variations (like the ever-classy "I heart Big Dumps").

So what's so wrong with pizza-ing NY?

I did some research, and discovered that the original "I (heart) NY" was developed by graphic designer Milton Glaser in 1976, at a time when few people were feeling much love for NY. In the late mid-to-late 70s, the city was leaking money. Government was corrupt. Crime was rampant. Buildings were burning. A serial killer was on the lose and killing women at a dog's command. Mr. Glaser (who also designed the logo for the Brooklyn Brewery) gave his design of love for free to the Empire State. And the state has protected it vehemently ever since.

The state has sued the cities of San Francisco, Santa Barbara, and Las Vegas, as well as the state of North Carolina for trademark infringement. It engages in lengthy and costly litigation to protect its trademark, licensing for which brings in upwards of a million dollars in revenue a year.

I found a number of message boards in which poor dopes like myself claimed that they were trying to sell such benign merchandise as "I (heart) DIRT" t-shirts, only to get letters for the Empire State Department of Economic Development threatening suit if the outfit did not cease and desist in selling such merchandise.

Still, I was angry. "I (pizza) NY" is not the same as "I (heart) Dirt" or "I (heart) SF".

I was so angry, I called my lawyer. Who is also my husband.

Apparently, allegations of trademark infringement are seen as valid when the infringer's use may be seen to lead to "confusion or mistake or to confuse the public into believing the applicant's goods are associated with the opposer." So someone might see an "I (heart) SF" shirt, get confused, and love (and thereby visit, because it is tourism dollars which are apparently at stake) San Francisco instead of New York, causing New York to lose tourism revenue.

By the way, it appears the Empire State has won every suit against another city/state, except for North Carolina. After a four-year-long law suit, a judge ruled this past April in favor of NC on the grounds that because the font face was different, the heart was a slightly more florid shape, and was blue in color, no one would accidentally mistake NC for NY and love and visit NC instead.

Still, what was an issue for me was not love, but pizza. Why can't you (pizza) NY? How might (pizza)ing NY end in confusion which would cause NY to lose tourism dollars? Brian found a number of law suits that he felt proved I was free and clear. But the problem was still the state's trigger-happy litigiousness. If sued, I might very well win. However, getting sued is an expensive business. If the Empire State were to file suit, it would do so against me and cafepress.com, and cafepress.com's main concern is to not be sued at all.

So I attempted to change the design. The shirt that once read "I (pizza) NY" now reads "I (pizza) PIZZA". For me, these statements are almost synonymous, as the slice pictured is a nice big greasy slice of New York (style) pizza. I believe this new design will cause absolutely no confusion, as the wearer will be pizza-ing pizza, which is too convoluted a concept to be conceived of as diverting tourism dollars away from the state of New York.

In order to cover all bases, my lawyer/husband also helped me to compose the following email to cafepress.com's trademark division:

Dear Ms. Carr:

I was dismayed, though not entirely unsympathetic, at CafePress.com's removal of my "I [Pizza] NY" designs from your website. Your company's concern with intellectual property matters is commendable, and its general Intellectual Property Rights Policy clearly the product of considerable thought. But in this instance, I believe your company has erred too far on the side of caution.

The "I [Pizza] New York" T-shirts do not infringe upon or dilute the "I [Love] New York" trademark held by New York state. Rather, the design seeks to directly parody this iconic mark. In the words of district judge (now Attorney General) Michael Mukasey in Tommy Hilfiger Licensing v. Nature Labs, LLC, my use is "an obvious parody or pun, readily so perceived, and unlikely to cause confusion among consumers." Moreover, a quick search of "I Heart" on your website turns up a surfeit of products that appear clearly more problematic than mine.

While I urge CafePress.com to reconsider its decision and restore my parodic design to its website, I am also willing to work assuage your company's concerns by modifying the design. Please contact me at your earliest convenience to discuss how this can be achieved.

Many thanks for your consideration,

Deborah Schwartz

So "I (pizza) PIZZA" is presently for sale at the debschwartz cafepress store. Enjoy!

My cafepress store is open for business.

At least, I think it is. I am still a little baffled. But my "I PIZZA NY" shirt is up for sale.

At least, I think it is.

I am still taking t-shirt suggestions....

Bob submitted one. And it involved a picture of him with a beard. He wrote:

here's a picture of me w a giant beard that i grew sometime last year, i guess, when i was 'going through something.' marcia pointed out that men don't generally grow beards that big unless they're 'going through something.' in retrospect, i suppose i was, though what it was, i do not know.

I kind of like the idea of walking around in a t-shirt with a picture of Bob in a great big beard on it. And maybe the words "going through something" running along the bottom.

I have a few ideas myself. But I need some time to assemble to graphics. All the t-shirts I've wanted to make, but Brian thought they were too dumb. Like my "Unironic Mustache" shirt. And my "I PIZZA NEW YORK" shirt. I can't wait.

Feel free to send me your ideas. Together, we will become rich and be-shirted!

I'm a little jealous.

I'm trying to think what t-shirts I would carry if I had my own store. Any ideas?

I'm not coming into this blog post empty-handed. I do have something. I have before and after pictures of a dead rat on the tracks of the 7th Avenue F train.

The first picture was taken on December 7, and the second was taken this past Sunday.

To think of all the things I missed growing up in the suburbs!

Enjoy.

When I turned around to get off the machine, I saw a woman standing behind me. She wore a strained smile to veil her impatience. And she had practically moved in. She had her towel and house keys on the floor at the foot of the machine. I was kind of shocked she had picked me, as there were about 8 other people around me, and Brian finished at the same time I did.

She stood there and almost didn't make room for me to leave. I apologized reflexively and said, "Let me get out of your way," but was still taken aback by her aggressiveness. She looked to be in her later thirties, fit, hair tied back in a tight ponytail, wearing what looked like designer gym wear (which is odd for the "Y"), and that same strained/angry smile. If I had to bet, I would say she was the mother of two young kids, and that her husband does something very lucrative. Though why she would then be at the "Y" is beyond me.

I walked across the room to the water fountain. Brian met me there. I started to say how there was this weirdly aggressive woman standing behind me at the elliptical machine, when I turned around to find that the same aggressive woman was again standing behind me. She announced loudly (with that same strained, fakey smile), "I THOUGHT YOU WERE COMING OVER HERE TO GET A PAPER TOWEL TO WIPE DOWN YOUR MACHINE. BUT I GUESS I WAS WRONG."

I was very much taken aback. I could feel that what she really wanted to communicate to the whole of the Prospect Park YMCA was, "NOT ONLY ARE YOU SLOW, BUT YOU ARE ALSO FILTHY."

In years past I might have been mortified, I might have wanted to cry. But now, though embarrassed, what I felt most was anger. I said, "You seemed so eager to get on the machine, I figured I should just get out of your way."

She just stood there. And I just stood there. Then I added, "Would you like me to wipe down the machine?"

"NO. I'LL DO IT," she said. And she gathered together mounds of paper towels and antibacterial stuff and began wiping the machine furiously as if I had revealed I had leprosy.

It was an embarrassing thing. But she was a horrible person. I said to Brian, "That woman was looking for a fight. It could have been you. She was ready to do that to anyone on an elliptical machine. But she chose me."

It should be noted that I had not sweated all of the machine.

When I worked at the Museum, I would get it all the time, people whose souls were rotting. Or whose lives were falling apart. Something was wrong in their universe. But they would talk to you like you were the cause of their problems. Like you were something repugnant. They would come to the desk to complain about the lighting in the galleries or the price of tickets, but they would talk to me or my staff as if we were not fit to lick the bottoms of their shoes.

It is a certain type of person who does this kind of thing.

On Saturday morning, on my subway ride to get a haircut, there was a young man sitting across from me. And he was picking his nose. And he wasn't shy about it. He was really sticking his fingers in his nose, reaching for something still unattainable. And I was horrified by this. So I turned away. He conducted his business for the entirely of our ride together. I was certainly not a fan of his flagrant nose-picking. But it's none of my business what he does. Which is why I said nothing and just turned away (in horror).

If Rude Gym Lady had been there, she probably would have said something. Because loudly correcting someone else's behavior might help to quiet the fracas in her soul.

Maybe if I see her at the gym again, I'll flick a booger at her.

As anxious as I am to see change come to the White House, I began to panic last night as I listened to the returns coming in from New Hampshire. I was reliving the election of 2000. And 2004. I started feeling that I couldn't stand another heartbreak.

Brian is more of an Obama fan. And really, I am fine with anything with a heartbeat that runs as a Democrat. But Jenny's got a good point. The pile-on that occurs every time Hillary blinks an eye or opens her mouth. It just doesn't seem right. There's something so mean in it.

Men have had so many chances to run this country, and look what a terrible mess we're in. Don't you think it's about time someone gave a woman a chance?

I am taking a break from knitting for a while, but I wanted to show you pictures of my last two projects. The first is a scarf I knitted for Brian, which you might have seen already:

The second is a blanky I made for Baby Sobush:

The blanky was a big deal. It took me two and a half months to make, and was by far my most complicated knitting project. I'm just going to take it easy for a while and read some obscure Chilan surrealist fiction.

But for the last couple of days, my head has been completely stopped up with snot. I haven't been able to breathe through my nose. Food has no taste, only texture. And I look like a horse when I'm eating, mouth open so I don't suffocate while chewing my food.

Desperate for some relief, I ran out on Saturday and bought a neti pot, which is something that looks like a small tea pot which you fill with warm water and salt and shove up your nose. You're supposed to pour the warm saline solution into one nostril, and it's supposed to filter out the other. Maybe because my septum is partially deviated (from falling on my nose at prom and during yoga), or maybe because I am hopelessly uncoordinated, I couldn't get the neti pot to work right. If it went anywhere, the warm water either streamed down my throat, making me feel like I was reverse vomiting, or shot up into my sinus cavity, giving me a gross headache.

I still couldn't breathe on Sunday, and ran out to stock up on Sudafed. I also purchased a bottle that shoots saline solution into your nose. I had less trouble with this than I did the neti pot.

Brian woke me up this morning. It was already after 7. I had been dreaming I was very thirsty. I was in my apartment, which looked nothing like my apartment, and I was carrying around my cousin's two-year-old for some reason. I finally found a glass and filled it with water. But I figured I should let the baby drink first. I put the glass to her face, and she started lapping up the water, almost like a dog. I kept thinking, "Hurry up, baby. I'm very thirsty," But the baby wouldn't stop drinking my water.

When I woke up, my mouth was so dry that my lips were stuck to my teeth. I had been sleeping with my mouth agape. My nasal passage was completely obstructed. I tried the saline bottle thing and experienced mild success. I took another Sudafed. Now one half of one nostril is clear — enough to taste a little, but not enough to breathe, or to eat with my mouth closed.

I feel like a caveperson.

Well, I got better relatively quickly. Except I was still coughing. Especially at night. I was coughing so much, I was waking Brian up. I'd taken to leaving the room for several hours to cough in quiet desperation until I felt I was all coughed out.

I've been awfully tired lately.

Oh, and I was getting these weird sinus headaches during the day. I would take a sinus pill, and the headache would go away for a few hours, but then it would come back again. This had been happening for over a week.

So I went to the doctor. Who thankfully didn't mention anything about backfat. She did, however, write me two prescriptions: one for cough medicine and one for an antibiotic. She said I should take the antibiotic for 10 days. I said, "Alcohol?" She said, "No. No alcohol." I said, "For real? Ten days without alcohol?" But she shot me a look like I was a roving wino asking for percocets. So I smiled and said I was just kidding.

I brought the prescription into the Duane Reade below my office. When I came back to pick it up, I discovered that, even with insurance, the antibiotic was going to set me back $75. When I saw this, I screamed, "HOLY F*CK!" I scared both the pharmacist and the woman in line behind me.

When I got back to my office, I took a long hard look at my antibiotics. I read all the warnings on the bottle. I was to avoid prolonged exposure to excessive sunlight (not a problem). I was not to take iron products or antacids within two hours of taking this medication (okay). That was it. I could see that the last label was covering another label. Was this a mistake? Was it here that they mentioned about the no alcohol for ten days? I pulled back the top label. Underneath was another label that purported that this drug might make me dizzy.

So looked online for more information about my antibiotic. Levaquin. My fancy, brand name friend. This is what I found:

Possible side effects:

Get emergency medical help if you have any of these signs of an allergic reaction: hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat.

Stop using Levaquin and call your doctor at once if you have any of these serious side effects:

seizure (convulsions);

confusion, hallucinations (seeing things that are not there);

a red, blistering, peeling skin rash;

urinating less than usual or not at all;

tremors or shaking;

easy bruising or bleeding, unusual weakness;

unusual thoughts or behavior;

nausea, stomach pain, low fever, loss of appetite, dark urine, clay-colored stools, jaundice (yellowing of the skin or eyes);

sudden pain or swelling near your joints (especially in your arm or ankle);

numbness, burning, pain, or tingly feeling; or

diarrhea that is watery or bloody.

Continue using Levaquin and talk with your doctor if you have any of these less serious side effects:

feeling restless or anxious;

nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, stomach pain;

headache, drowsiness, dizziness;

sleep problems (insomnia);

vaginal itching or discharge; or

mild skin itching.

With so many side effects, how could someone like me avoid them all? I immediately began to feel dizzy and nauseas. But it was too late. I had already taken my first pill. Jaundice. Insomnia. Hallucinations. Diarrhea that is watery or bloody. Good lord!

And even with all this, nothing was mentioned about alcohol. After reading that laundry list of physical woe, I felt I needed a good stiff drink.

Before we went to the bar, we stopped off at Susan's and ordered in Indian food. Susan surprised me with an old polariod she had found. She said it had fallen out of one of her books. The picture was taken in college, though neither of us can remember where or why. If one looks closely, one can make out a copying machine in the background. Curious.

Wow. Our hair was a little awkward back then. At least mine was. That's when I was cutting my own hair. I'm not sure why I ever thought that was a good idea.

After dinner, Lauren came over, then we walked to Floyd and met up with Karen and Rich and Peter and Jen and Joey. We had a rather nice evening, which ended around 1:30, and without anyone vomiting or getting into a beer brawl. Brian and I took the subway home. All and all, it was a successful New Year's, as we did indeed make it into 2008.

I made a little picture page of our evening. It can be found by clicking the image below:

Happy advancing of time!