Scrolling through the many blurry, underexposed shots, I felt both baffled and ammused. If would like see some of our 5th wedding anniversary dinner pictures, please visit here:

My sister Ali sent me an email she had just received from our grandmother. This email too left me baffled and ammused. So I will repost it here.

Things you should know before reading the email:

Ali --

I just received the invitation to your bridal shower. Of course, I'd really like to attend. However, the map and directions that were included only gives directions for driving. Even if I rented a car and tried to follow the directions, I'd probably arrive in time for your tenth anniversary. So, just forget about seeing me there.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I did buy a gift and am having it sent to your address. I had tried several places and couldn't find the nightgown and wrap that I wanted to buy. Today I went to Macy's because I know that they have a store in Ft, Lauderdale where you can exchange it for something you like better, etc.

They did have what I was looking for and I bought you something that I liked. I didn't buy a white gown and wrapper because you've been sleeping with Joel for a couple of years now and you aint no virgin.

I saw something nice in blue but I could only find size large or extra large. Then I saw the one I sent you. It's a soft red flowered color (that was marked S/M which is small/medium) and not too short that it doesn't cover anything and not too long so that it's dragging on the floor.

I had a little more trouble finding a matching gown. The only one they had was marked Large and it was so short and so tiny on top that I hated it. I looked some more and I found a solid red, trimmed with lace in the same shade as the negligee and made by the same manufacturer. This one was an M for medium and I couldn't find a small anywhere, But I tried them on together (on top of all my cold weather clothes - but I figured that you're taller than me and you have a bigger frame so It should fit you okay) and I really liked the way they looked together.

If you tell me that you only sleep in a a torn tee shirt, this is not for sleeping with Joel. It's for when he takes you on some wonderful, exotic, expensive vacations. Anyway, if they don't fit or you don't like them or you'd rather have something else - - - just take them to the Macy's in Ft. Lauderdale? You will find a gift receipt which has the price (in code) and you can get whatever pleases you. I liked it and I thought you would look good in them, but if you don't -- don't wait go change it. I will not be insulted if your taste is different from mine.

Have a wonderful party. All my love, Nonna

P.S. I forgot to tell you they were have a Valentine's Day sale and I think I got a bargain!

Wow -- in one e-mail, your grandmother manages to sound mean, cheap, lascivious and thoughtful.

I am hoping posting the Budapest pictures will take less time, as I believe there are fewer of them. By the time we got to Budapest, we were just really pooped. And taking pictures can sometime be a bit of a drag. Especially when your camera is kind of old and clunky and refuses to focus properly.

Enjoy!

Jill was a close second. She will receive a consolation price.

Vote analysis has proven that most people thought that Jenny and Sara were too cute to be nerdy. Brian was accused of being a "DebCentral insider", and a number of people complained that Eddie was a plant.

Thank you everyone who participated in this contest. I think we all feel a little better about ourselves and each other.

Last year, Brian gave me a wedding album that he had been making himself over the course of several month. It was one of the nicest presents I've ever received. I gave him nothing.

This year, I wanted to do better. So I made dinner reservations. But I wanted to do even more. So I made him a bouquet of socks and ties.

He at least pretended to liked it.

Brian, thank you for making an honest woman out of me. I'm sorry that I'm occasionally pushy and shrewish.

Still, I preceded to act incredibly slowly, reading and re-reading the contract. They asked for a short bio, and I spent the better part of a day trying to perfect one. I produced a short essay about my life, sending it to Jenny and Bob and Sam and Brian for editing and review. When I was entirely content with what I had produced, I re-read the contract, only to discover they asked from something no less than three lines long.

I started sweating.

I finally got it down to this:

Deborah Schwartz has published stories in Collectanea and Arts & Letters: Journal of Contemporary Culture, winning first prize in their 2004 competition. She has worked for a sculpting resin manufacturer, a September 11th commemorative gallery, and a Holocaust museum. Presently, she lives in Brooklyn with her husband.

So if anyone wanted to know what the back page of a signed Kenyon Review contact looks like, it looks like this:

and here is what the Kenyon Review's return envelope looks like when it is sitting on top of a pile of other random mail.

About my 30 & Nerdy contest . . . I have received very nice amount of responses on the voting front. I was really feeling unloved by the low submission rate. But friend Heather, who is now living in Ithaca, pointed out:

So sorry to not be entering the Thirty and Nerdy contest. I think I have a problem shared by many would-be contestants...my nerdiest photos are not in my possession. They live at Mary and Bob's [parents]. And they'd have to scan them in, which would be WAY too many phone calls.

Have you voted yet?

NUMBER 1: SARA

Things to take special note of: My mother dressed me like a boy. This pre-dates my boycott of jeans, because my mother only ever allowed me to wear jeans that came from the Army/Navy store -- no Esprit or any other named variety for me! -- which means that those were Lees. Also note the Ocean Pacific t-shirt. This is key: not sure why I thought Op was cool, but I did; there was oh so much surfing I was doing in suburban NJ. And, yes, those are velcro Adidas sneakers, thankyouverymuch. But, really, the reason I think this is from 1983 is because there were only a few times in my childhood that my hair was permitted to be "long" and I only really remember 2nd & 8th grades, not 5th. It is, however, very unlikely that my mother waited 2 years to process this picture, precious as it is.

I have no idea where I learned how to climb doors.

NUMBER 2: JENNY

NUMBER 3: JILL

NUMBER 4: RICH

NUMBER 5: BRIAN

NUMBER 6: EDDIE

Email your votes here or zonk in your votes anonymously. Voting ends Thursday.

Be there!

Before we left for Key West, Brian was aware that he and some coworkers would be taking a day trip to Washington, D.C. And then we went away and had no internet access for the better part of the long weekend. Brian checked his work email Monday afternoon and discovered there had been quite a bit of back and forth between coworkers, all of whom came to the conclusion that they should travel down Tuesday evening. And they all had places to stay for the night.

Oops.

Panicked, we emailed and called a number of our DC friends, giving them just a smidge over 24 hours notice that Brian needed a place to crash. And then we heard nothing. Until Tuesday morning.

The first response was from a friend who said he would love to host Brian. Only he did not have an extra bed. Or a couch. Hell, he didn't even have a big cushy chair Brian could sleep on. But if Brian didn't mind sleeping on the floor, this friend would put him up. Brian was game.

When Brian told me this, I said, "If he doesn't have a couch, he probably doesn't have a blanket or a pillow or an extra set of sheets for you."

Brian said, "That's ridiculous."

"Call him back and check."

So Brian did. And then he called me back. "You were right," he said. "He asked if I had a sleeping bag." Brian was sad, because he really likes this friend and was looking forward to hanging out. Still.

The second response was from Jenny, who said she had a spare bedroom with sheets and a pillow and everything. Our search was over.

Ms. Kitchen was a wonderful host, and on very short notice too. Thank you, JM. We owe you one.

Entries are trickling in for the contest. Keep 'em coming. In the meantime, two more Haikus from Molly:

I never spent time on a farm, so I have no idea what normal roosters do. But I can tell you that in Key West they crow constantly. At first I thought the sound was an injured dog calling for help. Then I thought it was some creepy drunk guy right outside my window. But it was a rooster. And it crowed all weekend long. Right outside the hotel window. Day and night. Night and day.

I tried to kick it.

When I wasn't trying to kick the dirty fat roosters, I mostly just stared at them with much disgust in my eyes. Brian thought it was funny, so he took a picture. It looked like this:

But, as I said before, the wedding was fun. Here's a picture of Leo and Cousin Jen getting married by the Westchester friend.

Can you tell that I was standing very far away? This was because I underestimated the amount of time it would take to make me beautiful, and therefore walked into the ceremony late. I accidentally entered the wrong way, and had to run down the aisle and under the trellis. Someone shouted, "YOU ALREADY HAD YOUR CHANCE!" It was kind of funny and kind of weird.

When I came home, I was very depressed to find that only two people had entered my contest . . . and one of them was my husband. Come on people! Don't you want to win the things I want to get rid of around around my apartment? Doesn't anyone have an unattractive childhood picture? Contests are only fun when they are savagely competitive.

The contest announcement can be found here and the rules can be found here. Enter. I double dog dare you.

Here are the contest rules:

Anyone can send in a photo: casual DebCentral readers, randoms, regulars, and people DebCentral knows and loves. Flattering email messages may increase your chance of winning.

You can be any age to play, but it is preferred that are 30 or over. However, flattering email messages may increase your chance of winning.

There will be three top prizes. If more than three people enter, winners will be determined by DebCentral readers.

If less than three people enter, I will personally go through my old photo albums and post unflattering pictures of people I know and love. This is to punish them for not entering my competition.

All entries should be emailed to contact @ debcentral.com. There should be a reference to the contest in the subject line.

The tentative last date for sending in photos will be Friday, January 19th. After this date, all submissions turn into pumpkins.

After the submission period ends, there will be a brief voting period (remember: flattering email messages may increase your chance of winning). Then there will be a brief winning period, during which time the winning contestants will receive their prizes.

Then there will be a prolonged period during which I return to blogging about my dumb life.

I will be in Key West for a cousin's wedding this weekend. I will try to get some sun, as currently, my legs are a sheer and translucent white.

But misery loves company!

So here it is . . . DebCentral's own "30 & Nerdy" Self-Morification through Staring at Old Bad Pictures Contest! I even made a graphic.

Send me the nerdiest, dorkiest picture of yourself. Remember Blue Pants? Pretty bad. What about the wave? And we haven't even touched on the reflexive haircuting stage in college.

I know I wasn't the only one. Give me your dyed, your shorn, your teased-up permed-out yearning to breathe free. I want your overalls, your hypercolors, your tight-rolled, your hammerpants. You before puberty saved you. You before the brow wax. The more mortifying the better. Top three entrants get prizes.

Email me your pictures here

I look forward to seeing us shine.

We began the evening watching the game with fellow Gators Susan, Brian, Karen, Rich (Gator-by-marriage) and Erika. Within the first 16 seconds, Ohio State had scored a touchdown. So we all began screaming to help push UF along.

It paid off big time. We scream and screamed, and the Gators kept scoring. They looked just lovely on the field. We were all terribly proud.

So the gators scored many touchdowns, and I scored a nifty new scarf that Karen had knitted but didn't like to wear. Awesome!

In other big enormous news, friends Amy and Scott are now proud parents of a new little human raisin.

Lastly, Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Hollywood, Florida, But Were Afraid to Ask, courtesy of Heck's Kitchen.

Scarlet and grey are your colors. The Buckeyes are your team. Buckeyes are also an interesting nut, frequently strung into necklaces, and worn by everyone from Brownies to Girl Scouts. They are also a delicious chocolate and peanut butter candy, homemade to resemble the inedible nut. To summarize, Ohio State is big and inescapable. When they do good, you feel vindicated in that silly way that makes fandom silly. And that's why me and a whole ton of people will be really happy tonight, when the Bucks win and cover the - 7.5 spread. $10 says so.

In college, football was omnipresent. It was woven into nearly every aspect of town and college life. On game day, I could be walking to the Denny's or to get a slice of pizza at Leonardo's, and I would still know when we had scored. Because the entire town would explode. The roar from the stadium was deafening. And smaller, more personal roars emanated from rooms of houses, out apartment windows, from inside bars. When we won, everyone drank beer and was extremely convivial. When we lost, everyone drank beer and was depressed.

Still, the entire time I was at the University of Florida, I never went to a football game. Not one. But gator spirit was in me like antibodies for a disease I never knew I had.

Maryland was very different from UF. Their mascot was a dopey turtle. Basketball was their sport. When they lost, everyone got drunk and shirtless and burned couches. When they won, everyone got drunk and shirtless and burned couches. It seemed ridiculous. I longed for the swamp. It was then that I knew no matter how many black turtlenecks I wore, I would always bleed orange and blue.

Heck's Kitchen, you're on! I'll even throw in an MTA shower curtain (unused) to sweeten the deal.

Let us look again at the nice acceptance email. It looks real enough. Still, it's a cyber-acceptance. So it feels so much more flimsy.

Now let's look at my previous rejections from the Kenyon Review. I've got two of them. Hard copies. They seem much more solid and formidable, no?

All I want in life is for people to say nice things to me. But when they do, I think they're lying. I'm sure my sister Ali, with the doctorate in psychology, would have a word for this.

Let me stop inspecting my bellybutton. Here is a vaguely humorous misdirected email that Brian received recently.

From: Thomas
Subject: Fwd: Happy New Year
To: boris.geller, borisgeller, bgeller, b.geller

Thomas wrote:
Date: Mon, 1 Jan 2007 07:33:58 -0800 (PST)
From: Thomas
Subject: Happy New Year
To: boris.geller@healthlinkinc.com

Dear Boris,

I hope this email gets to you and that you and your family are in good health.

We all miss you here on Bryant Ave.

Happy New Year!

Best regards,
Tom

Tom, you and all your no-good-nick friends on Bryant Avenue try to look all-casual-like, but in actuality you take yourselves too seriously.

*sigh*

I am still going out of my mind with excitement about my Kenyon Review acceptance. I keep looking in the mirror to see if I have undergone some metabolic change now that I have been accepted by the Kenyon Review.

*sigh*

Nope. Maybe I need a new hair cut or an ascot or a rakish cap or a set of adult braces. It's still just me. Same old schleppy me.

Only a little bit more famous. In Spring, 2008.

I am seriously thinking about framing the contract when it comes so I can French kiss it every night. Mmmaaawwwwwmmmlllaaallllaaahhhmmm That is the sound of me making out with a framed Kenyon Review contact. Mmmaaawwwwwmmmlllaaallllaaahhhmmm

Until then, you can check out my recently updated Writing Samples section. I found some wonderfully oldish stuff online and linked to it.

From: David Lynn
Date: Jan 2, 2007 10:47 AM
Subject: The City and the Moon
To: Deb Schwartz

Dear Deborah Schwartz,

I'm grateful to Larry Kaye and to Paul Healy who, between them, managed to send on to me your lovely, funny, moving story "The City and the Moon." I admit to some skepticism when I started reading--it's very, very rare that a piece that makes it way to me in such a manner is so wonderful. But this is quite lovely, and I'm delighted to accept it for publication in The Kenyon Review. I've tentatively scheduled your story for our Spring 2008 issue. If you'll forward your contact information to our assistant managing editor, we'll prepare a contract and mail it within a few weeks.

My warm wishes for a happy and healthy new year, and my thanks for letting us consider your fine work.

Sincerely yours,
David Lynn
Editor, the Kenyon Review
Professor of English

When I read the email, I burst into howling tears. My coworkers thought I was experiencing a stroke. I am still feeling kind of shaky. In the good way.