the history of debcentral


The Demands of Celebrity

01.31.03 - 1:36pm
Quick! Hurry! Get thee to Heck's Kitchen!
Jenny Miller, Queen of Heck, conducts an in-depth interview with ME, Deb "Pretzel Pose" Schwartz, Founder and CEO of Debcentral. Jenny has even posted pictures of the both of us. So run--don't walk, and check it out.

Are you back? Did you read the interview? Did it only make you love me more? Good. Email me and tell me how much you liked it.

Now I'd like to exercise some of my more finely-honed talents; I'd like to complain.

We have to visit Uncky Ira again on Sunday. I fear it may not be the best idea to show up with my hair in the manner that it is presently.

Tomorrow, I'm going to have professionals work on my hair. I go to a local salon (Amour d'Hair). . . and . . . well, the stylist there do a fairly good job for a fairly good (for Manhattan) price. But they can be kind of obnoxious. They have to remind me over and over again how awful I looked before they fixed my hair, and how thankful I should be to them that I no longer look like a freak or a frump.

The following is a dramatization of a real haircut and color appointment at Amour d'Hair:

HAIRSTYLIST: Oh! Look how wonderful your hair looks now. It looks much better than when you first walked in. Isn't that right, Anya?"

ANYA: Yes! Her hair was just awful when she came in. It looks much better now, Varya. It was nearly disgraceful before.

ME: I don't think it looked that bad.

VARYA: Believe me: it did. You looked like a wildebeest had vomited on your head.

ANYA AND VARYA TOGETHER: [LAUGHING] She was so homely before. She looks much better now. Can you image walking the streets with that awful dye job?[THE TWO STYLISTS CONTINUE LAUGHING AS THEY EXIT STAGE LEFT FOR A SMOKE BREAK]

That ridicule was for using an "over the counter" hair dye. The dye color was "Espresso". I can't even imagine what they're going to say tomorrow.

Wish me luck.

01.29.03 - 3:45pm
Work has been frightfully slow lately.
Even though my boss has gone to the dentist, I feel too lethargic to write much.

But I do want to give you all a chance to buy the Love and Admiration of Chris. Last I checked, the bidding was hot and heavy at 31 buckaroos.

This product is apparently an art project by a clever young man who is a student of Deb friend and regular Debcentral reader Brian "bzzy" Mack. Brian Mack has his own website, which you should definitely check out. On the site, he has (among other things) images of his adorable daughter, Sophia Grace.

I have been knighted little Sophia's "Yiddisha Auntie". My job as "Yiddisha Auntie" involves sending Sophia bizarre presents which I've purchased off random street people in Chinatown; repeatedly asking what she's eaten that day; wondering if she's wearing enough warm clothing, and worrying whether, at age 2, she is making decisions that might impact her negatively later in life.

01.28.03 - 1:02pm
Things I forgot:
I posted a new rejection the other day, and neglected to tell you all about it. This one is from, which is an online version of a quirky kind of journal which absolutely will not publish my work. This is my second rejection from them. If you want to read the piece that wasn't good enough for them, I'll link to it again.

What turds.

In addition, and for the benefit of many, I am making available to those of you who cannot be so charmed as to see me every day, a picture of me with my new pink hair.

But wait! Don't bother jumping on a plane and rushing to New York to see my hair in person. It is already too late for you, fair long-distance reader. I have attempted to rectify the situation by using a box of Dark Rich Auburn I purchased from the Duane Reade pharmacy downstairs.

Of course, because I can never succeed in anything, my hair only made it to pinky-plum on the hair color spectrum. I will try to get you a picture of that as well. But only if you want it.

I have also received two wonderful ecards in the past few days. One was from devoted Debcentral fan, yoga flunky, and not too good beer drinker Alison Adleman, who sent me this wonderful ecard for Brian and my anniversary.

And if you Click Here and type in the following special secret code:


You can see a lovely card sent to me by Gillian, Debcentral reader and celebrator of St. Dwynwen's Day in Whales.

Yesterday, I spoke on the phone with my sister Ali. She recalled for me a story illustrating how much of a morning person she is not. Several days ago, in her early-morning, pre-coffee stupor, she accidentally took her dog's seizure medication instead of her Zyrtec allergy pills. Thankfully, she is just fine. And so is her dog.

01.27.03 - 1:30pm
Brian is a blog hog.
Yesterday, I was in the middle of typing in my blog entry, when I was unceremoniously ousted from the computer. As champion of the planned coup, Mr. Geller then went on to blog it up for a million more hours until we had to leave for our romantic first anniversary wedding dinner with my grandmother.

I had so much to say yesterday, and now I don't remember what it was. Blissful marriage will do that to you.

By the way, yesterday was the one-year anniversary of the Schwartz/Geller connubial union. It's going to take more than one year's time, a highlighter incident, and selfishness with computers to break us up, Yo!

In honor of our anniversary, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers won the Super Bowl. Mr. Geller is a very happy man.

In other news, I had pizza for dinner Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights.

Friday night was the much anticipated Beer and Pizza Night with the yoga claque as well as Brian, Susan Johnson, and myself (all of Gator Country fame). Alison Adleman, Ani (I forget her last name, but it has a "J" in it), and Ashtanga instructor Christopher Hildebrandt did not represent the yoga people's team well. Their pizza consumption was wanting, and they downed little more than one beer each (in some cases, less).

Brian, Susan, and I made the Florida Gators proud. We finished off the majority of two pitchers. And we even forgot our leftover pizza in a cab. Go Gators!

I had a cavity filled this morning. My cousin, Karen Altszuler, who is a very nice, extremely competent dentist, performed the operation. Thanks, Cousin Karen! My teeths look great!

01.26.03 - 2:10pm
Brian and saw The Pianist yesterday, and I had awful holocaust nightmares all night.

Brian and I differred in our opinions of the movie. While I can't say I enjoyed it, I thought it was thoughtful and beautifully shot. Brian's thoughts on the movie were immediately negated by the fact that he tried to juggle his highlighter, and it landed behind the couch.

01.23.03 - 12:20pm
What a mistake. I bleached my roots, then tried to dye my hair a dark red. The color was called "Cherry Bomb", which I naturally assumed meant it would come out a nice deep red. And the bottle was a deep red.

Weeelllll. My hair is now a deep electric pink. This last bleaching of my roots caused my hair to fall out in clumps, and the florescent pink hair dye won't stop running. As I sweated in yoga class today, the dye ran all over my shoulders, my tanktop, and on to my mat. When I tried to get into supta kurmasana (or supine tortoise posture), my hair dyed my ankles pink as well. I look like a troll.

Poo! The price of beauty these days.

But I will not shoulder the blame for this alone. I blame you as well, Debcentral readers, for not advising me better when I requested you suggest how I might handle my next hair escapade.

I do want to mention that it is REALLY COLD HERE!

Unrelated to our recent string of deathly cold days, [CENSORED]

Did I mention how unhappy I am about this pink hair thing? I promise not to try anything funny for a very long time.

Last, but certainly not least, good friend, law student, and yoga comrade Alison Adleman turns 28 today. A YOUNG 28! Mazel tov, Alison. I guess you readers should send her a phony ecard as well.

01.21.03 - 11:00am
There are several items on the table today.
Point One: The Deb/Brian Movie Night Contingent is at it again! Brian and I rented John Cassevetes 1974 film, A Woman Under the Influence. It was very depressing, but in a good way, like the way experiencing pain can make you feel like you're growing as a person. I wept throughout the entire movie. But, then again, I cry at those Kodak commercials where they sing "True Colors". I am very tender-hearted.

Brian writes more thoroughly about the movie on his new improved blog. I just want to tell my readers that they should all go see this wonderful, painful, painfully wonderful movie. So we can have something in common. Besides loving me and my website.

Point Two: It is really very cold here today. I am wearing 5 layers of clothing. I look -- not so much like an Inuit person, but more like the whale they might capture and use for nourishment, clothing, and simple tools. Brrrr!

Point Three: I have forgotten point three, so I will move directly to Point Four.

Point Four: I am not supposed to be blogging it up at work. So, even as I love you dearly, I am forced to leave you. It's for your own good.

Point Three again: I just remembered Point Three! It's B. Herman's brother Ed Geller's birthday today. The little punkass is turning 19, a birthday that my mother might describe as a "nothing with nothing" birthday. Go ahead. Send him a funny ecard.

Point Five: My roots are showing bad. I need to do something about this, but I'm not sure if I want to keep bleaching out my hair, even as it looks so classy. I need your help, gentle readers. Email me and suggest a color for my next hair adventure.

01.20.03 - 3:30pm
I got guilted into visiting Uncle Ira again this weekend.
My father kept complaining how cold it was, and how heartless I would be if I were to send my 85 year old grandmother out to the Kookoo house all alone.

Fah! That woman is sturdier than I am.

But on Saturday, I did, very possibly for the first time, visit the top of the Empire State building. It was kind of neat. But mostly, it was $10, which made me annoyed.

I went with Susan Johnson, our friend from college, Lisa Melko, and her boyfriend, Toby. It was really nice being with them. Especially when I dragged them to Sephora in 20 degree weather so I could buy more sparkle eyeliner pencils. Yea!

Of course, on Sunday, while the WHOLE GANG was out enjoying their brunch, which included UNLIMITED MIMOSAS, I was on a bus with my elderly and argumentative grandmother and a dozen unwashed men, heading towards good times at the Crazy House for the Criminally Insane.

Gosh. I've been feeling so low lately.

01.16.03 - 9:50pm
Even Brian Mack is helping me to hop on the Fame Train.
He writes:

I did a few google searches and found no matches for:
Schebbie Dwartz
Scheb Dwartz
Scheborah Dwartz
I thought you would want to know.
I am unsure how many mentions of them you need to have google pick them up, but if you get started soon I am pretty sure you can be number one of one listed.

We love Brian Mack--who, by the way, may become the seventh person to sleep on Uncle Ira's Castro Convertible come February.

Also trying to pull me up onto the Fame Train are the lovely people of the Ashtanga Yoga EZ Boards.

Kind yoga-doing people, many of whom have kept their identities shrouded, posted a link to my site on their discussion board, and then proceeded to quote me and say not-mean things about my site. They are too kind.

I got a positive email message from Wini, who is the personal trainer of Montel Williams (she practices in the mornings with me). Mark, who I do not believe I know, offered to help find me a job. Mark, you are too good to me. But PLEASE keep searching anyway. I'd prefer a job in which I were paid handsomely to update my website all day. Thanks! Someone named John also emailed me with a link to the ez board site and a note of encouragement.

Dear Deb-
did you know that you are famous?

Well, John, I am not actually famous yet. That's where you come in. Spread the word of Deb! Tell everyone about my wonderful sense of humor and my touching story about unemployment. Then get me a spot on a radio talk show.

In a case of mistaken identity, I was contacted by a fellow representing the Phil Donahue show. You never know.

01.15.03 - 12:46pm
Brian and I are getting our money's worth.
We joined the Film Forum in order to get discounts on tickets, but we need to see nine films (2 tickets a piece) in order to make the membership a good deal.

It's been about five months, and we have seen seven films so far. Last night was Le Cercle Rouge, a French New Wave heist movie from 1970 (directed by Jean-Pierre Melville). The film's protagonist has a wonderful mustache. Many people get shot, and a bunch of jewelry is painstakingly stolen. No love scenes and only one random naked woman. What a fabulous film!

On a different note, I want to make clear that, though it is not my preferred nickname, I am known to many (especially family members) as "Debbie Schwartz". It is important that I make this clear in print, as when I do a Google search, I come up 1st for "Deborah Schwartz" and 4th for "Deb Schwartz, but out of 41 pages of various and sundry "Debbie Schwartz"es, this wonderful website comes up not even once.

Google searches in part by text content. I realize now the err of my ways. As the nickname Debbie is mildly repugnant to me, I try never to refer to myself by that name on my site. I am now paying the price for my hubris.

A friend of mine whom I knew in high school is presently living in Brooklyn. His name is Keith Murray, but I will call him Keith Schmurray for anonymity’s sake. He only calls me when he's having a party and needs to bolster the attendance. At one such party, I introduced myself to another party-goer as "Deb Schwartz". Keith overheard me, and said, "No! You are not Deb Schwartz. You will always be Debbie Schwartz to me."

He hasn't contacted me since. The point of my story is that I need to use the phrase Debbie Schwartz multiple times in the text of my website so that Google can pick it up in a search, and this story allowed me to do so once more.

That, and I got a chance to bad mouth a one Keith Schmurray for not calling or emailing me back. Mr. Schmurray must understand that even though I forever remain Debbie Schwartz, I can still manage to be sinisterly vindictive.

01.13.03 - 11:46pm
I have an awful blemish on the side of my nose which is disfiguring my face.

When will I outgrow my oily like a young person skin?

Speaking of youth, Susan Johnson and I watched Waiting for Guffman tonight and ate Jiffypop Popcorn. I didn't even know they still made Jiffypop Popcorn.

Lastly, the rollovers on my index page are not working. I have spent many hours at work clandestinely seeking a cure for bum rollovers. Why me?

01.12.03 - 9:16pm
Ghost Dog is on the Independent Film Channel.
I really like that movie. So does the B-man. So does DC friend and video store flunky Bob Brumfield. So does past writing prof Reg McKnight. So does Brian's school chum Richard Tisdale.

Cheers to all of us on our excellent taste in movies! And cheers to you, Jim Jarmusch, who my friend Jay claims to have seen food shopping on the Lower East Side.

Amy Fishman left today. Did I say she was coming in to town? Somehow, I thought I had, but maybe I'm wrong. She was attending med school interviews. She wants to help poor people attain adequate health care.

Maybe one day she can give as much to the world as I have been able to give by simply maintaining this website.

01.08.03 - 8:45pm
Uncle Ira hates Elvis.
He says that Elvis is not really "The King." He's just a pop star. And a phony.

The real king was Frank Sinatra. Because he did it his way.

Uncle Ira says that if Brian and I play our cards right, we may get to sneak in an extra visit with him at the state penitentiary. Goody!

My friend Amy is coming into town this weekend. In fact, she'll be here tomorrow. I am very excited. She is visiting less out of love for me, and more out of a need to show up in-person for her sundry med school interviews. I'll take what I can get.

Jai Yoga Coordinator Christopher Hildebrandt finally saw his picture on my website. Did he thank me? Noooo. Instead, he generously pointed out all my spelling and grammatical errors.

Such is life.

One last thing. The domain was recently bought. The woman is a "Debby", and a real estate agent. Now, we all know that Debbys are bad news. Debbies are much better. At worst, they are harmless. At best, they are amusing conversationalists and snappy dressers. So don't visit that other Deb's site. This is war! And I must maintain more hits than that hussy.

01.07.03 - 9:10pm
Fighting is just our thing.
Brian and I like to do it, and we do it well. So no one should worry that our marriage will come to an early divorce. Mainly, we are just exercising our vocal cords.

I updated my "extras" page, which I aptly renamed "portfolio". Ooooh! Don't I sound professional.

Now someone should give me a new job. I am looking particularly for employment with a company that will pay me a decent salary to browse the internet all day and laugh at other people's websites. They have to grant me time to visit Heck's Kitchen, which is purported to receive as many as 44.7 hits a day (though I would probably account for 32.5 of them).

While we're on the subject, I want to work with people who dress interestingly, who have excellent comic timing, and who like to catch a beverage after work.

Brian's sister left town today. She was quite fun to be around. And I may have even successfully pressured her into drinking her coffee black.

I also made a new friend. Nick of the Fanmail Nicks wrote me back. He says Salt Lake City is experiencing a milder than usual winter. He alluded to my great and potential celebrity. He was happy I mentioned him on the air. We love him.

In the meantime, as I fall off the yoga wagon, my belly grows like a woman's belly might if she were pregnant with 12 hamburgers.

Such is life.

01.06.03 - 10:56pm
Today is the perfect soup day.
It is gray and drippy and cold. Wet-snowy. I am so proud of myself: I made a large pot of vegetable soup. It was very hearty and green-looking, but was actually a bit tasteless.

Today was also a yoga day. I almost killed my teacher, Christopher Hildebrandt. I was attempting a headstand, when I fell over, and nearly took him out as he adjusted another student. In the end, everyone was okay, and I was forbidden from attempting a headstand again.

In other big news, I went live with the new website I created for my place of work. Check out the new home of Aqua-Resin®. YES!

Now, who wants to give me a job doing this on a permenant basis?

01.04.03 - 6:32pm
What a nice surprise.
I received a really great fan letter today. It was from Debcentral's new best friend, Nick of Salt Lake City.

Nick writes:

I just had to tell you that I sit at work, bored, and your blog and site make me laugh out loud . . . . The rejection letters ease MY pain of hunting for a job and the bit about becoming your own paparazzi had me in tears. Such is the boredom of my life - the update of a stranger's website is the highlight of my day!

What does all this mean? That my existence is HELPFUL to people. I am doing my community service by just being ME.

Now, don't you think someone like me should have FAME to go along with my heart of gold?

By the way, thanks so much, Nick. Your email made my day. Keep reading and trying to make me famous.

01.02.03 - 1:45pm
Brian's sister Jessie and friend Dana have been staying with us for the past few nights. We have been four people in a studio apartment. It's been a little tight at times. But they have been very pleasant, so it has actually been quite a nice experience.

I have also been drinking and eating too much. Too much. I feel a bit gross.

Brian is up and running with his blog, Loshen Hora, so you might check it out.

We had an enjoyable and not-too-eventful New Year's Eve. We spent the evening first in the East Village with Susan Johnson, dining at 7A. Then we moved on to Park Slope, to the home of Richard Tisdale and Carolyn Little. We drank and ate some more, and played a boardgame. Then I felt a little nauseous. Then Brian nodded off on the couch. Then we road the subway home, and all was well.

I am back at work now. Got to go. . . .

I have been getting more email messages lately.

which is fabulous.

I would like to apologize to anyone to whom I have not yet responsed (both of you).

I would also like to acknowledge ardent debcentral readers Nick Rupp, Yoga Mark, and Jill McElmurry.

here's a shout-out to old favorites Alison Adleman, Patrick McCall, Dave Sobush, Josh Trotter, and Bob Brumfield.

and a nod to debcentral newcomers Ani "with a J" Hadjian and the sassy-tongued writer/poet Maggie Estep

A thanks to Jenny Meyer, Brian Mack, Jenny Miller, and Bonnie Geller Geld for sending people my way.

lastly, I tip a 40 to my mother, Elaine (who refuses to look at my site).

a poet wrote it best when he said:

Shake it.
Don't Break it.
Took your mama nine months to make it.

thanks, mom.

if you would like to offer me your love and admiration (as I keep getting out-bid on e-bay), please contact

The Fund for the Love and Admiration of Deb.

if you would like me to become your "yiddisha auntie", please contact

The Center for Yiddisha Aunties, Deb Bureau.

if you would like to worry about what I'm eating and whether I'm wearing enough warm clothes, please contact

The Deb Care Connection.

and if you want to read a blog that's written by someone (possibly) cooler than Deb, pay a visit to
Heck's Kitchen.

I would like to apologize for misleading the public.

I have reviewed the events of the past several days, and deduced that I did not, in fact, have pizza on sunday.

sunday was our anniversary, on which we partook of an intimate romantic dinner with my grandmother at the Italian restaurant two doors down.

then we (minus grandma) consumed Susan Johnson's special super bowl taco dip and more than our share of chocolate chip cookies.

Brian and I must have had the pizza on thursday.

or maybe wednesday.

I'm not sure.

I won't make this mistake again.

and if I do, I won't notify you of my mistake.

let's review what we learned today:

Brian and I are still married.

even if Brian is selfish

yoga people don't necessarily make good beer drinkers

but University of Florida graduates do.

new york city cabbies accrue leftovers on their back seats

Karen Altszuler is an excellent dentist.

my new friend mark from the yoga discussion boards tells me he has been using my blog as a source of movie reviews.

I guess he could be considered a "cyber member" of the Brian/Deb movie night contingent.

kudos to you, Mark, for your excellent taste in movie reviewers!

on the flip side, I received a random email from a fellow who says he likes the look of my site, but takes issue with its navigation, which can sometimes be confusing.

he also suggests creating a discourse on the terms "famous" and "infamous". he poses that "it's better strive for success than fame."

in defense of my great brilliance, I will say that navigation-wise, my site is just that much more European, and that I really don't care much for success or financial security in life. the only true path to immortality is fame (or infamy).

I am such a charming little bird.

Ani from yoga has requested to be part of the Deb/Brian Movie Night Contingent.

you can too.

just email us and let us know what movie you want to see with us.

and what sized popcorn you will be purchasing for us.

have you been stopped by Heck's Kitchen lately? Jenny Miller, queen of sass and many things topical, is such a left-wing cutie, you've got to check her out.

I mean her site--check her site out.

is not the Chrysler building a million times more pretty than the empire state building?

wouldn't you just love it if someone would fashion a pair of earrings for you that were thematically linked to the Chrysler building?

don't you think it should be noted that though my birthday was actually in November, it is never too late to present me with nice presents?

especially if they're expensive.

ps - for Brian (and his blog's new look):

Go Bucks!

it is so strange that the kind ez board yoga people should be anything but scornful of me, as my voice is loud, my step is clumsy, and my mind is crowded.

regardless, with their help, I achieved over 3400 hits yesterday.

what other discussion boards might what to link to this old debcentral?

neurotic complainers forum

family of convicted felons forum

relatives of crazy Uncle Ira forum

devil for a grandma forum

famemongers forum

too much chocolate forum

lotta cavities forum

nervous about going to the dentist tomorrow forum

people who tell you things you never wanted to know about their lives forum

any other suggestions?

while this site has not been picked up in a Google search for Debbie Schwartz, it has been found for the following phrases:

defecating in public

free nightgown

david fogel marriage

bruce springsteen fan club

coupon the movie

raised freckle

big toe removed

the politic of othering

claim against yoga instructor

scary e-card prank

deb wigs

. . . . and much, much more.

do you have any mouseover-rollover suggestions for Debcentral?

send us your helpful suggestions.

while your at it, write in and let Debcentral know if Jiffypop Popcorn was always so metallic-tasting.

one should consider clicking over to Jenny Miller's site.

she updates her site way more than I do.

she has posted some fabulous new pictures--one of her younger brother ensconced in a green-blue boa.

she suggests that in the picture he looks a bit like me.

I actually think he looks prettier.

in other news:
Brian's sister is getting an new laptop. she has been computerless for nearly a month.

Brian's brother talks to us, but only over aol instant messenger.

my brother may be returning from Israel this June. What to do?

my sister is the counselor of many troubled children, and her therapy sessions make for terrific stories. ha!

brian's cousin Simon didn't like the digital picture I took and then emailed him. Just because in the picture he looked like he was vomiting. what a party-pooper.

give Deb a new job.

love the people she loves.

hate the people she hates.

especially those awful tv pundits who keep cutting off their guests and trying to make them look dumb.

like Bill O'Reilly and Chris Matthews.

aren't they just awful?

then join the deb/brian movie night contingent, and come see movies with us!

we even have a film forum half-off card.

isn't Deb swell?

isn't she talented?

isn't she lovely?

did you see the website she built for her place of work?

have you checked out her resume lately?

would you like to give her a job?

write Debcentral and make Deb an offer.

fan mail is great.

send debcentral fanmail, and get thanked for it live on the air.

if you don't send Deb fanmail, you can send Brian Geller fanmail, telling him how glad you are that he's finally upkeeping his site again.

remember: if you don't send us fanmail, at least send fanmail to yourself. make this world a better place for you and me.

per my previous inquiry:

all studies conducted up to this date have proven that four adult individuals can co-exist peacefully in one studio apartment, given that the following circumstances hold true:

1.) none of the individuals possess habits which cause considerable irritation to any other individual.

2.) all non-permanent-resident individuals limit their stay to under one week.

3.) all participating parties remain in an over-indulged over-fed and over-imbibed stupor.

4.) none of the individuals possesses a long history of mental illness.

Who is Deborah Schwartz?
The experiences of Deborah Schwartz
The persistance of Deborah Schwartz
The relations of Deborah Schwartz