the history of debcentral


An Experiment in Invitation

10.30.02 - 11:40pm
It is nearly Halloween.
And what does this mean for Deborah Schwartz and her A+ Halloween get-up? Sadly, very little.

You, loyal Debcentral reader, have not done your job. You have not invited Deb to your Halloween party, so she can wear her funny costume, which has been moldering in her closet for the past three years.

Shame on you, reader. Shame, shame, shame.

Fine. You're not eternally doomed. You can redeem yourself by inviting me to a party this weekend!

Do so, and I will personally absolve you of all earthly sin.

Also, Uncle Ira has suggested that he now knows the secret to his prolonged incarceration at Manhattan's premire criminal psychiatric facility. The doctor in charge is a one Dr.Bruce David. But this is not his real name, is it? Isn't his name actually BRUCE WAYNE?

Uncle Ira tells me not to laugh. This is the awful the truth. And it explains so much.

Oh. I got him a "Wicked Witch of the West" Halloween card. What a good niece I am. I'll send some more stickers with my next letter. They're military-themed. He'll love them.

10.27.02 - 2:00am
Daylight Savings Time is such a strange creature.
To celebrate this occasion, and the weekend before halloween, I spent the evening in my usual Manhattan Socialite fashion. Everyone who is anyone who lives in apt. 5N at 401 E. 86th Street could be seen eating pizza and drinking cheap beer at the Anna Maria's Pizzeria on 87th and 1st.

The party traveled downtown, to the Angelika, where everyone who is anyone viewed the new Phillip Glass vehicle, Naqoyqatsi. All of the anyones agreed it was pretty good, but it made them think they were going to fall asleep.

The party raged on, but moved all the way to Astoria, Queens, where the anyones looked for a bar that wasn't too loud. This reporter had a cappuccino and a very good slice of baklava. Another partygoer, Astoria glam girl Alison Adelman, was reported to have tried a cannoli and decaf coffee. Adelman was overheard saying the dessert was "pretty tasty."

The whirlwind evening drew to a close as the two remaining anyones road back to 401 E. 86th on the subway. They both played "Super Break Out", Deb on her palm pilot, and Brian on his new cell phone.

Those crazy kids!

10.25.02 - 12:25pm
I will be the first to admit it: Beer, pizza, and Ashtanga Yoga DO NOT mix well.

It really is too bad. Last night I had a deep-fried veggie burger, french fries which looked like squashed tater tots (yum!), and three beers. Then I went home and tried to do my yoga exercises.

It just didn't work.

Also, alert Debcentral reader and close personal friend Brian Mack wrote Debcentral and email. It was in reference to a previous blog entry:

Aside from him being a "decent fellow. And he has impeccable personal style." He also spells his name correctly with an "I" rather than a "Y". Ohhhh, I hate those "Y" bastards so much!!!

We do too, Brian Mack. We do too. . . .

10.23.02 - 11:10am
I'm getting pumped
I highly recommend this Ashtanga Yoga. It's loads of fun. Though I do not recommend reading too much of what is said about it on the Internet. I was reading up on Ashtanga Yoga on people's personal blogs last night, and I was quite troubled. Many of those people sound awfully fruity. I feel that if I were to meet these people on the street, I would not want to be their friend.

I found a questionable comment about my yoga instructor on this crazy person's blog. Let it be written. Let it be known: Christopher Hildebrandt is a real cool guy as well as a very good instructor. If I were to run into him on the street, I would totally ask him to a movie or out for a beer and some pizza.

Though I am certain he would refuse. I think they really frown on that sort of thing in the higher echelons of Yogaland. Beer and Pizza and 4 hour Russian movies. Also, I think my instructor is a bit afraid of me. I sense he fears how I don't seem to get the concepts behind Yoga, as I would be the type of person to invite my instructor out for beer and pizza.

What a charmer I am!

I got an email from an old comrade from the University of Maryland, College Park's A.V. club. Brian Eskridge wrote:

Just spent time reading over all your rejection letters.
I personally thought your "Life as Haiku" entry for the WA Post was quite strong.
Blasted imbeciles!
tah tah,
What a decent fellow. And he has impeccable personal style. My kind of fellow.

10.16.02 - 3:37pm
It has been brought to my attention (by me) that I have many spelling errors in my blog. The easiest person to blame would be myself. But I don't like to do things the easy way.

So I blame YOU--the reader of this blog--for not notifying me sooner that my blog was riddled with spelling errors.

I have finally created an archive page.

I am still coughing up nasty phlegm.

And the weather is just dreadful today. Cold. Windy. Rainy. Dark. Perfect weather to pay someone to deliver things to you.

10.15.02 - 1:40pm
I have a terrible hacking cough.
I have been coughing up yellow-green phlegm for the past week now. It's kind of interesting, but for the most part unpleasant.

I would like to mention my good friend Brian Mack once more. He called yesterday to wish me a happy Colonialist Day. He questioned the implications of celebrating Columbus Day in this country. So thoughtful is he. Let us all write him an email and ask him how he got to be so smart.

Also, alert friend (and delinquent Debcentral reader) Bob Brumfield pointed out to this reporter that the sniper shooting which took place in northern DC was not far from where we used to live. It was actually only several blocks from Brian's old place of work. A quiet, yet confusing intersection. This cold-blooded sniper killer is one scary dude.

10.13.02 - 11:18pm
Uncle Ira Visit Number Three.
I suggested earlier that Uncle Ira had some bad news about his promised transfer from the Big House. We visted him today at the psychiatric ward for the criminally insane, and he was very down. So down, that he was talking and drooling even more than usual. We brought him wonton soup, pepper steak, fried rice, melon, and brownies. But it was not until he started in the brownies that his drool became too much to bear. It turned absolutely fudgy as has it slipped in streams from the corners of his mouth.

At the end of our visit, he kissed me goodbye. With that mouth. Brian and I left the visiting area waving and smiling. Once we got into the stairwell, I had such a terrible reaction to the fudgy drool on my cheek, I began gagging and spasming. This continued for the entire mile walk back to the M-35 bus. I am sure any passers-by assumed I belonged to one of the three psychiatric facilities in the Manhattan State complex.

I am presently recovering. This evening we discovered that someone in our building has been leaving VHS tapes of old horror movies on a shelf in our laundry room. So the day has not been a total wash.

10.12.02 - 5:07pm
More fan mail!
Alert Debcentral reader Ken Chen, who is not related to me whatsoever, wrote Debcentral this email:

Wow, I just happened on your site while looking for some submission guidelines. Your gallery of rejections seems too ridiculous I don't know if I want to laugh or break down and cry and never submit anything again. If it makes you feel better, I think we have some of the same collection--I have rejection letters from the New Yorker, the Atlantic, Field, and the Kenyon Review!

Now, if my calculations are correct, alert reader Ken Chen will become famous within the next two decades, and for something seemingly unrelated to emailing Debcentral.

Tomorrow is not so much the lord's day as it is Uncle Ira's visiting day. It would be hard for me to be less enthusiastic.

And Uncle Ira has been very upset lately. He just learned from the head psychiatrist at KIRBY that they want to keep him locked up for another two years. That may mean another two years of Deb and Brian paying $400 a month to live in an apartment the size of a matchbox on Manhattan's chic upper east side.

10.11.02 - 2:16pm
Didn't I promise to make you famous?

I finally received an email from someone who wasn't that sassy webdesigning diva Jenny Miller. And it wasn't even a blood relative. Brian's first cousin Simon contacted Debcentral to let the staff know they're doing a spiffy job.

Deb, it's me Simon. I might have just sent you a blank email from work while browsing through debcentral. Pardon. Very amusing postings and valuable information.

Ain't it grand!

I went to Yoga yesterday, even though I was feeling so blue. I lost my balance on several occasions and made some magnificent flops on my rear. I think our instructor is convinced I'm goofing around and is becoming exasperated with me. Poor Debbie.

10.10.02 - 4:36pm
Oooooh. I don't feel so good. I think I'm coming down with a cold.

10.08.02 - 3:26pm
Some bad news. Brian's grandfather died early yesterday morning. The funeral is tomorrow in Plainfield, NJ. Julius Riveles was somewhere around 94 when he died, though we can't say for sure. He was born before they invented birth certificates.

On the bright side: I got a raise. I've been uplifted from below-poverty wages to mere poverty wages.

Still no rejection from McSweeney's for my sassy fiction piece. But I have an iron constitution. I'm prepared to stare them down in order to get my newest rejection letter.

I feel kind of bummed about this Brian's grandfather thing. He was very ill, but a really decent guy. Write me a funny e-card and make me feel better. Make some joke about life being a fleeting, shabby thing, and write the name of someone I hate in the "From" section. I just love that.

ps: I have done an awful job promoting my great friend Brian Mack to the dizzying heights of fame and fortune.

Let me say that I think Mr. Brian "Bzzy B" Mack is just super. He and his wife, Anna have the sweetest, most chilly-chill daughter. Sophia Grace is not yet two years old, and already she is learning to chat on the phone.

10.04.02 - 3:10pm
YES!. The latest Interview of Deb by Deb is up and running.

But Debcentral would rather not sell to you direct. If you would like to check out the dirt dished on Deb by Herself, we at Debcentral would like to recommend you to our retail distributor, Heck's Kitchen.

This site, formerly known as Jenny's World, can sell to you in large quantities at discounted prices. And they can provide you with other fine web materials, such as informative technical links, a guest book page, and photographs so gorgeous they're guaranteed to make you cry.

In addition, because of the great demand for my new fiction piece, and my imminent rejection from McSweeney's, I am making available *for a limited time only* a version of that aforementioned piece.

You can not get to this by any Debcentral link! You will not see this published in any magazine! You can not buy this in stores! Act now, while supplies last!

10.02.02 - 3:09pm
Small Claims, Big Tsurus.
This morning Brian and I filed our small claim against our nasty old slumlord. I feel a little better now. Our court date is November 14th, which is also my birthday. That makes me feel a little depressed. But the return of our security deposit would be a pleasant gift.

Yoga was fine. I am even more uncoordinated than I previously thought.

As you all now know, I am working again. Office work. With limited human contact. It's true that while I was unemployed, I got paid less and had about as much human contact. But, upon looking back, it somehow seems more sexy, more fun.

I guess I'm only remembering the good times. Like the time I went jogging, and that strange Russian man accosted me and told me I'd die if I continued holding my arms as I did. Or the time I sat and stared in the mirror for six hours, then walked to the market on the corner, where I was overcharged for limes. Or the time I realized I had hair on my big toes.

Ah. Those were the days.

10.01.02 - 2:20pm
I am so nervous.
Today is my first practice at the Ashtanga Yoga Shala. It's this really intense yoga which is traditionally practiced by people who aren't inflexible weakling klutzes.

In other news: I still have yet to receive my rejection from McSweeney's. I assume I'll get one any day now. I submitted to them before and received a rather cryptic rejection within days. That was a year ago. I haven't posted it on my site. I'll try to post it by the end of this week.

are you going to a halloween party?
are you throwing one yourself?

make sure this party is not a flop, like all the other parties you've recently attended.

invite deb.
she's got the costume.
she's got the wig
she's got the loud, shrill, theater-person voice.
she knows how to put a few away and say things that will embarrass herself the next morning.

send your invite asap.
before it's too late.

and speaking of going to hell . . . .
check out Lady Jenny Webboflavin's chic site, and her hilarious links to evil people's hell-related web resources.

then write those people emails telling them they are lame and doofy losers.

the manhattan socialites of 401 E. 86th Street are in need of some more restaurant suggestions.

if you know of a great new york city restaurant (upper east side or not), write us a brief review, and we will post it.

if you don't know of a great restaurant, but just some okay ones which are pretty cheap, that will do as well.

if you have been to a restaurant which you believe to be of terrible quality, and grossly overpriced, write us anyway. we can take it.

if you are a person who is afflicted with the "y" spelling of "Brian", and would like to share your harrowing story, write us here at debcentral, and we promise to listen with an hardened heart, a closed mind, and a penitent for self-importance.

then we will post your story on the internet and make fun of it until you change the spelling of your name.

come out for beer and pizza with debcentral!
we are in great need of more friends.

if you have impeccable personal style, and would like debcentral to know about it, write us here at
contact @

we'll make sure the whole world knows about it.

or pays for its ignorance in the form of exorbitantly high sin taxes, bad orthodonture, and poor choices of friendly acquaintances.

the brian geller fan club
and read Brian Geller's new blog entries.

you can also email him at and let him know how very wrong he is.

The unstoppable Jenny Miller.
I thought this was quite good.

also, I bumped into someone I knew from college today. she was outside one of the nyu dorms, talking on a cell phone. we both acknowledged each other and smiled. When I started to say how nice it was to see her, she just turned away and went back to talking on the phone. it made me feel bad.

if you should spot a spelling or gross grammatical error in this blog, email me immediately, or I may blame you for all my life's problems.

while you're at it, you might as well email the young and restless Jenny Miller as well and tell her what a nice site she has.

is there a miracle cure for the prevention of coughing up yellow-green phlegm?

do you think columbus day is a legitimate and celebration-worthy holiday?

does the unperturbed nature of our president as he stands in the shadow of a crazed sniper killer make you nervous?

should I avoid giving out the email addresses of friends on this website?

If you answered YES to any of the above questions, email me and discuss your opinions with debcentral.
I will attempt to make you famous at no additional charge.

Uncle Ira really likes his mail. he has told us so on numerous occasions.

do your part for your country. and for Deb. write Deb's crazy uncle a letter.

Deb is tired of writing post cards full of meaningless small talk to her mentally ill uncle in prison. for 37 cents a day, you can give her a break and write Uncle Ira a fan letter.

all the information you need is here, and here, and here. oh. and he lives in ward 2 east (the non-violent ward).

non-relative Ken Chen took the debcentral "Make Me FAMOUS!" challenge.

isn't it time you emailed debcentral and did the same?

if you decide not to email debcentral, the least you could do is read her new story and transmit your glowing review transcendentally.

if you would like debcentral to promote you to immense and uncomfortable fame and fortune, write me an email with your name, number, and a brief description of your quirky yet marketable talents, and I will post the information on my website.

check out this link to Deb's latest fiction piece. it's her 6.5 minutes of fame.

then write deb an emailing saying how much you liked her work.

have you been unemployed lately?
have you sued your old landlord in small claims court?

write debcentral and tell us all about it.

if we like your story, we'll publish an excerpt on-line and send you a blue ribbon for honorable mention.

for a free taped copy of the live on-air version of deb schwartz reading her 6.5 minute fiction piece on the rigors of unemployment, send an email to contact @

she will personally autograph the first 500 copies. so act now.

Who is Deborah Schwartz?
The experiences of Deborah Schwartz
The persistance of Deborah Schwartz
The relations of Deborah Schwartz